"I said NO!"

Yesterday, Martin had his little friend, Alan, from school over for a playdate.  On one of their adventures in our yard, they stumbled upon a dead, decaying squirrel. Two excited faces appeared before my friend, Karin (I had a playdate too!) and I as we chatted.

"We found a dead squirrel.  It's so cool, you can see its skeleton. Like a dinosaur or something!" The six-year-old boys were shaking with the excitement of new discovery.  "Can we bring it into the house!?"

"NO."  I said in tandem with my friend.  "We do not allow dead animals to come in the house."

The disappointed boys ran outside.  I thought the matter was over.  My doorbell rang.  The boys stood there with a box covered in old rags.  "Now can we bring it in?  We covered it with rags so you can't see it!"

"NO. The answer is still NO."  Their faces fell as they went back outside.  Obedient enough to listen to the adults, but still testing the boundaries to see what may pass for allowing the decaying body of a squirrel into my home.  They tried a few more times - but the answer remained a very resounding "NO."  While I enjoy the creativity and discovery of these boys, I don't want dead things in my home!

It reminds me of my own life.  I've called out to God about a big issue in my life for many years.  Lovingly, he's said, "NO" to me at each juncture.  But rather than disposing of the decay and death of this issue in my life, I have continued to put it in a box, cover it with rags, and bring it back to God.

"But God, what if I dress it up to look like it's alive?  Then can I keep it??"  Like the Father He is, knowing what's best for me, He said, "Naomi, I've told you that it's not healthy to keep this dead thing in your home.  You need to let it go."

"But God," I whined, "I want to keep it. I want to look at it sometimes!"

And very recently, God finally removed the box from my hands and disposed of it himself.  "Naomi, I said NO.  I mean NO.  Live amongst the LIVING.  Look at what you DO have.  Stop carrying that dead thing around."  And I finally realized that His NO was NO.  And I looked around and felt the blooming of life and realized I was free.  Truly free.

I'm not sure where the dead squirrel went...I'm sure it's somewhere in my yard and I pray I don't step on it unknowingly someday!

But I feel the love that God has for me in caring that I experience true life - he has taken this issue and disposed of it.  And has promised me freedom in the life He has for me.

Count Your Blessings...

Remember that great old hymn?  Count your blessings, name them one by one...Count your blessings see what God has done...  As I reflect on the season of Lent and what God is doing, he is cleansing me, cleaning out the "junk," so to speak.  But He is also reminding me that in this time of confession and heart preparation, that I need to think about what He has done for me.

So join me in looking at the blessings in my life, and reflect on your bountiful blessings.  Give him praise and thankfulness for what He has done for you.

Naomi's Tremendous 12 Blessings:

• A beautiful and precious son, who blesses me on a daily basis with his big personality, his servant's heart, his love for singing, the way we play the game "I love you more!", how he carried in the groceries tonight without being told, his humility in coming to me to tell me he is sorry for a behavior, unprompted by me, and I could go on and on about this major blessing!
• My big, fat Scandinavian/African/Mexican/Other family.  They love me unconditionally and are always there for me (even for 2am calls!:))
• My amazing friends who know I've hit a stormy patch in life and are checking in with me often!  I'm humbled by whom God has brought into my life, amazing, godly women and men.
• I have a good job and good colleagues who bring way too many treats to work. 
• My church community - Sanctuary Covenant Church.  This is a true "beloved community."  
• My home - with it's old world charm and beautiful kitchen and hardwood floors. It's more than a blessing to me.  It even has a porch swing. :) (Thanks Kari and Delwin.)
• The blessing of having a good education.
• The sweet scripture that God has given us.
• My old van with over 200,000 miles that keeps us warm and safe.
• The richness of the diversity where my son and I worship and live.  The ability to see what heaven will look like.
• The ability to use my home as ministry, having housed 6 different young women from China here studying at the University of Minnesota.  
• Being able to go "home" whenever I need to.  We head to the "farm" where we refuel our spirits with the quietness and the love of family.

This list is truly not exhaustive in any form.  I could go on and on with what God has done in my life.

Now its your turn...

Count your blessings name them one by one....

Cleaning up the Mess...and Looking to the Cross...

Loneliness...Guilt...Anxiety...Grief... These are just a few of the pain points experienced in the loss of a marriage.  As I waited for over five years for my marriage to magically be healed, God brought me to the realization that it was over.  (see previous blog posts!)  While I had vetted it with him, prayed for it to be healed, and waited...the pain of it being over was much like a train wreck.  I woke up after the devastating jolt to realize I was laying in wreckage: steaming, smoldering, scraps of my life laying here and there.

A carload of loneliness and fear lay off to the side of me, along with a mess of anxiety.  How would this possibly ever be cleaned up?  Who could put these pieces back together? 

But in the mess of grief, my Conductor was there, overseeing the reconstruction. Telling me to patiently wait for him to call in the cleanup crew of loving family and friends.

And as the crew put things in place, I grew weary of the process and decided to take my hurting and broken spirit and try to start cleaning up the pieces myself.  But I wasn't healed!  The Conductor said...Wait, you still have deep healing before you can be out here working!

But I didn't listen.

As I reflect on this holy season, I look back at how I have been impatient to wait on God's healing process.  After years of obeying God's protection by living a pure life, I leaned into the loneliness and away from God, and I decided to take things into my own hands, and I entered into a relationship that caused me deeper pain and hurt.  Rather than waiting on God to provide the next step in my life, I decided to jump on the tracks and start doing my own triage.  As you can imagine, I took a couple of steps backward in healing, the deep heart healing after a difficult period. I entertained lies about myself and where God was leading me.  I allowed myself to be deceived and tried to close my eyes to God's best, settling for what was easy and covered my wounds for a time.  Only to realize that the wounds needed the Balm of Gilead, not the caresses of earthly needs.  I allowed myself to be used by someone who had only their interests in mind.  I refused to listen to the godly crew God had put in my life telling me this was settling for less than what God had for me.

I confess that I have been living in the wreckage of loneliness. I have settled for less than God's best.  I have lived in the sin of my own pleasure to hide the pain.  I have deceived myself into thinking that I felt better.  I confess that I did not truly seek godly wisdom in this decision (see my last blog post). Then I emerged to find that my own way had led back into deeper pain, deeper hurt. 

And now I am being carried back to His loving arms on a stretcher, out of the wreckage, to His triage where I can truly be healed.  It will be a journey - one with ongoing healing processes and changes I can't imagine, but I'm ready to be fully healed.  While I feel the sadness and sting of rejection and loss, I also feel the hope of His fullness and joy.  I am looking towards the crew He has sent me and they are saying, "Naomi, experience God's best for you! Don't take any more detours!" What was under the darkness of the wreckage has emerged into the light, the healing power of God's love.

This is my Lenten prayer as I'm carried to the cross in His loving arms:  I surrender all.  All my mess and scraps of loneliness and grief and pain and guilt.  I confess my sin of not allowing You to continue my Healing process.  I look forward with joy to the path that you want me to be on in this second half of my life.  I commit to waiting on You for your best in all areas of my life.

Lead me to the Cross.... Friends, continue to walk with me on this journey of healing.  He began a good work in me, in us, and He will see it through to the end, despite ourselves.

Wisdom

I turned 40 and survived!  It was just like another birthday - I don't feel older.  People say I look young (I love to relish in that compliment!).

But I also feel like I should be wiser.  I'm 40.  Shouldn't I know a lot more?  Shouldn't my decisions be exponentially easier and always wisely made?  Oh - I know a lot more. I have a Master's Degree in something and lots of life lessons under my belt, but I still struggle with decisions.  I still make mistakes. I still feel vastly underqualified to be the mother of a little six-year-old boy. I still don't know what I will be when I grow up.

Which has led me to some heavy-duty meditation lately.  My pastor preached on wisdom a couple of Sunday's ago.  He referenced my favorite book, James, and spoke on these words:

¹³ If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. ¹⁵ For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. ¹⁶ For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

 ¹⁷ But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ¹⁸ And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. (NLT)

So as I approach an important crossroads in my life, a potentially life-changing decision, I am struck first with what Wisdom isn't: jealous, selfish, unspiritual, earthly, demonic.  In fact, if my wisdom is based on these things, I will have disorder and evil in my life.  I feel overwhelmed - what is fueling my decision?  My own selfish desires?  Insecurities based on past decisions of this type that weren't wise or Godly?  Fear? 

Then I look at what Wisdom IS: Humble, Pure, loving, gentle, willing to yield to others, merciful, good, sincere, unselfish, PEACEFUL.  If I apply these things to what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis, what approach would I have in making this decision?   

I am praying that I live out this type of wisdom for the second half of my life.  God has brought me through incredible pain in the loss of my marriage, the death of the dream of living happily ever after.  But in the pain he has given hope, joy, peace - and now I ask for His pure wisdom as I raise a child alone and seek his will in all aspects of my life, with the decisions that single parents face in their own lives as well as the lives of their children.  

I choose a "theme" each year and this year I have chosen to pursue "deep healing" as my theme.  Part of my healing process is ensuring that my decisions and daily life are lived out in Pure Wisdom, that I live out being a Peacemaker in my home, my work, my church, and my relationships.  

Lord, help me to be grounded in your pure wisdom as I seek your will in my life this year. Allow me to live it out in my daily life and in the decisions that are before me.