Wisdom

I turned 40 and survived!  It was just like another birthday - I don't feel older.  People say I look young (I love to relish in that compliment!).

But I also feel like I should be wiser.  I'm 40.  Shouldn't I know a lot more?  Shouldn't my decisions be exponentially easier and always wisely made?  Oh - I know a lot more. I have a Master's Degree in something and lots of life lessons under my belt, but I still struggle with decisions.  I still make mistakes. I still feel vastly underqualified to be the mother of a little six-year-old boy. I still don't know what I will be when I grow up.

Which has led me to some heavy-duty meditation lately.  My pastor preached on wisdom a couple of Sunday's ago.  He referenced my favorite book, James, and spoke on these words:

¹³ If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. ¹⁵ For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. ¹⁶ For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

 ¹⁷ But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ¹⁸ And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. (NLT)

So as I approach an important crossroads in my life, a potentially life-changing decision, I am struck first with what Wisdom isn't: jealous, selfish, unspiritual, earthly, demonic.  In fact, if my wisdom is based on these things, I will have disorder and evil in my life.  I feel overwhelmed - what is fueling my decision?  My own selfish desires?  Insecurities based on past decisions of this type that weren't wise or Godly?  Fear? 

Then I look at what Wisdom IS: Humble, Pure, loving, gentle, willing to yield to others, merciful, good, sincere, unselfish, PEACEFUL.  If I apply these things to what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis, what approach would I have in making this decision?   

I am praying that I live out this type of wisdom for the second half of my life.  God has brought me through incredible pain in the loss of my marriage, the death of the dream of living happily ever after.  But in the pain he has given hope, joy, peace - and now I ask for His pure wisdom as I raise a child alone and seek his will in all aspects of my life, with the decisions that single parents face in their own lives as well as the lives of their children.  

I choose a "theme" each year and this year I have chosen to pursue "deep healing" as my theme.  Part of my healing process is ensuring that my decisions and daily life are lived out in Pure Wisdom, that I live out being a Peacemaker in my home, my work, my church, and my relationships.  

Lord, help me to be grounded in your pure wisdom as I seek your will in my life this year. Allow me to live it out in my daily life and in the decisions that are before me.