Loneliness...Guilt...Anxiety...Grief... These are just a few of the pain points experienced in the loss of a marriage. As I waited for over five years for my marriage to magically be healed, God brought me to the realization that it was over. (see previous blog posts!) While I had vetted it with him, prayed for it to be healed, and waited...the pain of it being over was much like a train wreck. I woke up after the devastating jolt to realize I was laying in wreckage: steaming, smoldering, scraps of my life laying here and there.
A carload of loneliness and fear lay off to the side of me, along with a mess of anxiety. How would this possibly ever be cleaned up? Who could put these pieces back together?
But in the mess of grief, my Conductor was there, overseeing the reconstruction. Telling me to patiently wait for him to call in the cleanup crew of loving family and friends.
And as the crew put things in place, I grew weary of the process and decided to take my hurting and broken spirit and try to start cleaning up the pieces myself. But I wasn't healed! The Conductor said...Wait, you still have deep healing before you can be out here working!
But I didn't listen.
As I reflect on this holy season, I look back at how I have been impatient to wait on God's healing process. After years of obeying God's protection by living a pure life, I leaned into the loneliness and away from God, and I decided to take things into my own hands, and I entered into a relationship that caused me deeper pain and hurt. Rather than waiting on God to provide the next step in my life, I decided to jump on the tracks and start doing my own triage. As you can imagine, I took a couple of steps backward in healing, the deep heart healing after a difficult period. I entertained lies about myself and where God was leading me. I allowed myself to be deceived and tried to close my eyes to God's best, settling for what was easy and covered my wounds for a time. Only to realize that the wounds needed the Balm of Gilead, not the caresses of earthly needs. I allowed myself to be used by someone who had only their interests in mind. I refused to listen to the godly crew God had put in my life telling me this was settling for less than what God had for me.
I confess that I have been living in the wreckage of loneliness. I have settled for less than God's best. I have lived in the sin of my own pleasure to hide the pain. I have deceived myself into thinking that I felt better. I confess that I did not truly seek godly wisdom in this decision (see my last blog post). Then I emerged to find that my own way had led back into deeper pain, deeper hurt.
And now I am being carried back to His loving arms on a stretcher, out of the wreckage, to His triage where I can truly be healed. It will be a journey - one with ongoing healing processes and changes I can't imagine, but I'm ready to be fully healed. While I feel the sadness and sting of rejection and loss, I also feel the hope of His fullness and joy. I am looking towards the crew He has sent me and they are saying, "Naomi, experience God's best for you! Don't take any more detours!" What was under the darkness of the wreckage has emerged into the light, the healing power of God's love.
This is my Lenten prayer as I'm carried to the cross in His loving arms: I surrender all. All my mess and scraps of loneliness and grief and pain and guilt. I confess my sin of not allowing You to continue my Healing process. I look forward with joy to the path that you want me to be on in this second half of my life. I commit to waiting on You for your best in all areas of my life.
Lead me to the Cross.... Friends, continue to walk with me on this journey of healing. He began a good work in me, in us, and He will see it through to the end, despite ourselves.
