Wisdom

I turned 40 and survived!  It was just like another birthday - I don't feel older.  People say I look young (I love to relish in that compliment!).

But I also feel like I should be wiser.  I'm 40.  Shouldn't I know a lot more?  Shouldn't my decisions be exponentially easier and always wisely made?  Oh - I know a lot more. I have a Master's Degree in something and lots of life lessons under my belt, but I still struggle with decisions.  I still make mistakes. I still feel vastly underqualified to be the mother of a little six-year-old boy. I still don't know what I will be when I grow up.

Which has led me to some heavy-duty meditation lately.  My pastor preached on wisdom a couple of Sunday's ago.  He referenced my favorite book, James, and spoke on these words:

¹³ If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴ But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. ¹⁵ For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. ¹⁶ For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

 ¹⁷ But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. ¹⁸ And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. (NLT)

So as I approach an important crossroads in my life, a potentially life-changing decision, I am struck first with what Wisdom isn't: jealous, selfish, unspiritual, earthly, demonic.  In fact, if my wisdom is based on these things, I will have disorder and evil in my life.  I feel overwhelmed - what is fueling my decision?  My own selfish desires?  Insecurities based on past decisions of this type that weren't wise or Godly?  Fear? 

Then I look at what Wisdom IS: Humble, Pure, loving, gentle, willing to yield to others, merciful, good, sincere, unselfish, PEACEFUL.  If I apply these things to what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis, what approach would I have in making this decision?   

I am praying that I live out this type of wisdom for the second half of my life.  God has brought me through incredible pain in the loss of my marriage, the death of the dream of living happily ever after.  But in the pain he has given hope, joy, peace - and now I ask for His pure wisdom as I raise a child alone and seek his will in all aspects of my life, with the decisions that single parents face in their own lives as well as the lives of their children.  

I choose a "theme" each year and this year I have chosen to pursue "deep healing" as my theme.  Part of my healing process is ensuring that my decisions and daily life are lived out in Pure Wisdom, that I live out being a Peacemaker in my home, my work, my church, and my relationships.  

Lord, help me to be grounded in your pure wisdom as I seek your will in my life this year. Allow me to live it out in my daily life and in the decisions that are before me.

Joy in the Season of Hope

"Joy to the world, the Lord is come..." 

This song rings throughout my home, sung at the top of six-year-old boy lungs.  The words aren't all correct, but the spirit and meaning is there.  Christmas is about Hope.  Christmas is the time that we reflect on this Hope.  We look inward and feel the Joy that comes from Hope.  What is our Hope?  Our Hope lies in the Christ-child, Who came so that we could be rescued from the joyless, hopeless existence that is life without Him.  He alone is our Hope, our Joy. 

This year has been a deeper reflection of the Meaning of Christmas for me.  What is Christmas really about?  Our family decided this was the year that we would discontinue spending large amounts of money on gifting the extended family.  We chose a local family whom we will buy gifts for and bless them, as they are having a difficult and challenging time.  There will still be some gifts for our family to open, but making this decision felt liberating, freeing from commercial Christmas bondage.  While we will still "buy" things for this family, it is not about how much or who has more. 

I'm also turning 40 tomorrow.  Of course, it comes with reflection about meaning and purpose.  I am in a place that I could never imagined at the tender age of 20, when I dreamed of the future, and family, and my goals and dreams.  My life has been challenging and difficult and rich and exciting.  I have followed paths that were clearly led by Jesus, and other paths that were clearly led by my own selfish will.  But God is there and He is faithful, even when I am not faithful, even when I take my own path.  And He sometimes gently and sometimes fiercely guides me back to following Him...my Provider, my Husband, my Lifegiver, my Creator. 

As you reflect on Christmas, seek out the Meaning - Jesus.  Look past the plastic Santa and the pretty lights.  Put down the beautiful packages and listen to what He is saying.  Find the Joy He has for you in the simple things...bless others.  Hug your children. Give to the Salvation Army.  Bring a coat to the donation center.  Notice those whose eyes are downcast from the pain.  Find Joy. 

And sing with the six-year-old boy at the top of your lungs...."Joy to the world, the Lord is come....."

Renewal Wanted

As I journey through this season in my life, I often find myself exhausted.  It's a pure, unadulterated tiredness that seems to settle down in my bones, where the very marrow seems to cry out for rest.  With what I lovingly call three jobs, my  "real" job is in the Dean's office at a small, liberal arts college in Minneapolis.  Then there's the fun job of hosting our Chinese students, where I get to pour into them each evening as we bake, cook, talk, and just hang out and we learn from each other.  And finally, the most important, long-term job I will ever hold as the mother to Martin, my five-year-old son, the love of my life and heart.  

But, as you can imagine, sometimes these roles begin to control me and the schedule becomes like that reality show where you try to bounce between the balls without falling into the green, muddy water below.  And the exhaustion begins to seep down deep, to the core of my being, and I start slipping down the slippery slope where joy cannot possibly live.  


My initial thought is to run, run away.  Run where the schedule can't find me.  Where the conflicts don't happen.  Where I find total fulfillment and purpose in my "real" job.  I want to hide.  

And then I realize the truth of our friend, Henri Nouwen's, wisdom:

"In our much-doing we lose perspective, lose our energy, and more importantly, lose our creativity and sense of humor. We thus begin to carry the world on our shoulders and soon become overwhelmed or disillusioned. But to simply withdraw does not provide the way forward, for we then take our hurt or tired self with us. Rather, the movement to solitude is to find a renewed self, and from the center of being loved and nourished we can again enter our world with purposeful engagement and joyful detachment."
-Henri Nouwen, Dare to Journey 

This is what I long to find - a renewed self, where my hurt and pain don't follow me.  I have tried to get away before with the intention of running away, and realized that I was still there.  Pain and all.  The relief of rest was only skin-deep, without the renewing of my spirit.

What is the key to renewal?  I'm on my journey to find it.  To find the purposeful engagement.  To live out joy.

Walking through the Mud

Walking through pain and loss in life is something akin to walking in mud up to your knees.  The mud around you makes your legs feel heavy, it is difficult to walk.  You grow weary in the weight that seems to pull you down.  Then, of course, it begins to rain.  A drop here and a drop there.  Some days it is a deluge.  You're walking along in mud up to your knees and being pounded by the rain.  You can barely see or move.  You can't see anything around you, you feel completely alone, cold, and weary beyond words.

But ahead you can see relief:  the sun is shining.  There's a rainbow and dry ground.  It's off in the distance but you can see it.  But, still, you have to trudge through the mud in the rain to get there.

In the middle of the pain, you are tired and your spirit is heavy.  You still have the day-to-day conflicts with friends and family to work through.  You still have to care for your children and make sure they have what they need.  Your job doesn't go away, and you're trying to keep your game face on as you get through each day.  Your friends and family may scatter as they see you struggling, and they don't know what to do or say.

But even in the midst of all that, you are not alone.  The sun is behind the rain clouds.  There is firm ground under the mud.  You may have to trudge through it but you don't have to do it alone.  Jesus said:
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”  (Matthew 11:28-30, NLT)

Look beside you. He is holding an umbrella.  Your face is still wet from the rain and your tears, but He dries them off.  The mud is still there, but He has His arm around you.  You are not alone, you were never alone.  

God has not promised that He will rescue us from the "mud" of life, but He is always with us.  This is my reminder today as the rain falls.  I'm tired but He is promising me "rest."  He is teaching me to rely on Him.   

Psalm 23: Rest and Simplicity in God

I used to think of Psalm 23 as the Psalm you read at a funeral. It was an overused scripture people pulled out to read to a grieving widower who had been married to his wife of fifty years.  Recently, however, God has been speaking to me through this scripture, and revealing a deeper meaning...He has been speaking to me about Rest and Simplicity.  As I journey through healing, He calls me to "rest" - in my favorite places, no less, beside a stream in a meadow.   

I see a lesson for how to walk through pain:  Count your blessings, Rest in His goodness, Lean on His strength, Count your blessings AGAIN, Rest in his Goodness AGAIN.  Repeat. 

Join me in reflecting on Psalm 23.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd;
      I have all that I need.

Reflect on what God has given you. 

 ² He lets me rest in green meadows;
      he leads me beside peaceful streams.

Reflect on ways that you can “rest” in God. 

    ³ He renews my strength.
   He guides me along right paths,
      bringing honor to his name.
 ⁴ Even when I walk
      through the darkest valley,
   I will not be afraid,
      for you are close beside me.
   Your rod and your staff
      protect and comfort me.

Reflect on ways that God has walked with you through dark times and given you strength.

 ⁵ You prepare a feast for me
      in the presence of my enemies.
   You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
      My cup overflows with blessings.

Reflect on the blessings and anointing God has given you lately. 

 ⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
      all the days of my life,
   and I will live in the house of the Lord
      forever.

Reflect on God’s goodness as He “pursues” you.  What does that mean to you?

Restore, Rebuild, Renew

I have had this blog for a few years, but have been poor at updating it, unless there's a major chang in our life status. I decided that it needed an Extreme Makeover - hence the new name: "Joy in the Journey." That name has been rolling around in my head, not because I have somehow found the answer to living out "joy" in my life, but because I aspire to living out joy and delight even through difficult circumstances and pain.

Each year, I look ahead and claim the year for something. Last year was my year of "new beginnings." 2009 was a year of "change." (Why anyone would ever choose that is beyond me...) But this year is my year of "healing" - and to attain that I claim this statement: "When you are who God wants you to be, you can restore, rebuild, and renew." (see Isaiah 58:12)

2010 was a difficult year. This was the year that my hopes of happily ever after were dashed by the reality of life. What I had held on to for five years was simply not meant to be. And while the relationship had been destined for failure due to time, space, and commitment issues, I had carried it around like a sacred chest, even as it grew so heavy that I had to drag it around me. I prayed and cried and begged God to save it, but in the end, it was not my decision and God released me from dragging around the heavy burden. My marriage ended but it was like a pain of watching your loved one suffer on the machines that breathed life, and while you knew that death was the ultimate release and relief, the final breath was like shockwaves through your soul.

If you have ever experienced death or divorce, you know the grieving process that begins. I have experienced death, as a child my father died when I was 4.5 years old. I have now experienced death of my dreams of having a lifelong partner.

So I cling to 2011 and the healing that will come, as God restores, rebuilds, and renews my broken heart and home. As he reframes the shattered building that looked like my hopes. As he gives me a new hope and dream with the healing that is coming.

And He brings joy to my journey.

Ghana at Last!

As I write this, we are six days away from the trip of a lifetime, spanning an ocean and a continent, we are flying to Ghana, West Africa on January 25.  This trip has been over four years in the making.  As I ponder back over the last years, I realize that God's timing is never wrong.  We had planned to come two years ago, but God had another plan.

Working a good job in downtown Minneapolis, I thought I had life under control.  But it started to slip away from my tightly clenched plans as life moved along, we were still separated from our husband/daddy, and it was getting more difficult to keep everything in my control.  God told me that He had a better plan for me.  In early 2009, as I was driving to Bible study, I had a tough conversation with God about the circumstances we were facing.  Financially, we were overwhelmed with daycare, housing, car, amongst other things.  I asked God how I was going to get through this and what was going to happen to us.  I should say the conversation was more like a hysterical weeping session between God and me.  As I pulled up to Bible study, I brought myself under control and told God it was in His hands. I didn't want to control this anymore.

At Bible study that night, I was leading,  Afterwards, we had a time of prayer.  One of the ladies in my Bible study shared that they were losing their rental property, which was in fact their first home.  She was requesting prayer for someone to live in the home rent-free, paying the utilities until the foreclosure went through.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I had been pleading with God about our financial issues and was I hearing this right, this opportunity was immediately available????  Was this the answer?  I responded that I'd been praying about our extremely tight financial condition.  We talked it through over  the next few weeks, I prayed a lot and had others praying...I went to visit the house.  It was in a challenged area of Minneapolis, called "North Minneapolis."  That was the "hitch."  I would be giving up my beautiful, new built apartment in a lovely area of Coon Rapids, a nice suburb, to go and live in "the hood."  I was not a stranger to this area, as my church ministered there.  I had prayed about potentially going to live there someday...but now?  But God told me "yes" - and we moved there in April of 2009.  Here were Martin and I courageously living where God had literally made a place for us to recover financially.

Then in June of 2009 another change came.  I lost my job downtown Minneapolis.  Not only had God known the pleas of my heart, he knew that soon we would be unable to afford the pricey apartment in the 'burbs.  He had a perfect and holy plan for us.  I was humbled by the experience of total obedience.

As 2009 thundered on, we still wanted to go to Ghana.  It felt like it would never happen.  But at the end of 2009, after four years of separation, we were finally able to purchase tickets to Ghana.  This was not my ideal timing!  But God had "released" me from so many things while I followed him in obedience, it was apparent that I could now travel to Ghana in relative peace, without the binds that would have existed just two years prior.

2009 was my year of "change."  I had chosen this mantra before the year began.  The amount of changes that we experienced were amazing and some were difficult.  2010 is a year of "moving forward" and of "new beginnings" for our little family.  As I finish my grad school paper, pack all of our earthly belongings and get ready for this next chapter in our lives, I'm following God to Ghana in obedience.  I've learned that obedience is not always easy and fun.  It's challenging.  It requires the ability to be flexible and to understand that God's will isn't always tangible.  It's fluid.  But it's obedience.  It's listening to God's voice and understanding that many times, it's just a mystery.  It's being able to allow for mystery and ambiguity along the way.  It's letting go of your own will and your own way, and allowing God to lead.  And while I get in God's way a lot, it's reminding yourself that God's way has been best.

We're looking forward to this new year and new adventures.  Ghana, here we come.